RELATIONSHIPS, SEX, & THE BIBLE- An Honest Talk About Sex

   DISCLAIMER:  I am NOT a counselor or psychiatrist!  I’m just a wife and mother who wants to share my experiences and thoughts with others.

Before you read this I want you to understand that this is based on a sermon I heard at church on Sunday.  “WHAT?!?!” you say.    I’m not kidding.  It’s actually kind-of awesome!  My pastor actually talked about a typically taboo subject in a church sermon.

Stop and don’t read any further if this type of topic makes you feel uncomfortable or put on your “awkward sunglasses” to hide your eyes and keep reading.  This blog includes an uncomfortable topic and racy jokes to make you even more uncomfortable.

The sermon wasn’t anti-sex or pro-sex.  It was a “put your big girl panties on really reflect on sex, how it affects your life, and what God thinks about it” kind of sermon.

There were all different ages in the congregation as well, but before you get said panties in a twist, Pastor Jeff asked parents to dismiss their underage children to Sunday School if they were concerned about the subject matter and the affect it might have on the kids.  There were however, teens in the congregation which I think is important to note.  The sermon wasn’t aimed solely on married or adult couples.  It also discussed topics of sex before marriage.

If you would like to hear the entire sermon and not just what I am discussing here and my thoughts on the matter you can visit Lifepoint.com and click on menu and then messages to find the “Together” series.  It’s the fourth one in the series.  If it isn’t posted now, it will be by the end of the week.

Now, on to the hard part…no pun intended.

Sermon Points: 

1. God created sex.
2. If God created sex, and sex is good, why is it not good in my marriage?
3. Experience before marriage creates expectations in marriage.
4. What happens outside the bedroom affects what happens inside the bedroom.
5. You can BOTH want sex and still not have sex.
6. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk about sex.
7. We need help.
8. Practice makes perfect.

Bible Passages:  New International Version– click the link to pull up the verses)

• Genesis 1: 26-28
• Genesis 1: 31
• Proverbs 5: 18-19
• 1 Corinthians 7:3-4
• 2 Corinthians 5:17

 

GOD CREATED SEX

The following is proof from the bible that God created sex and it is good:

^{GENESIS 1:28} God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.

^{GENESIS 1:31} God saw all that he had made, and it was good…

^{PROVERBS 5:18-19} May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.  A loving doe, a graceful deer–may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

^{1 CORINTHIANS 7:3-4} The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.  In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.

It was discussed that God created people and then asked them to have sex and multiply.  How can it not be seen as a good thing?  The bible even says it should be satisfying and intoxicating.  Satisfying and intoxicating is good, right?

Having said this, the Bible also states that it should be had with your spouse.  This is a point that is made clear with the repeated use of the words husband and wife.

Sex is a gift from God to be fully enjoyed by married couples. When we honor God’s boundaries and expectations of us, sex is a beautiful thing.

IF GOD CREATED SEX, AND SEX IS GOOD, WHY IS IT NOT GOOD IN MY MARRIAGE?

AND

EXPERIENCE BEFORE MARRIAGE CREATES EXPECTATIONS IN MARRIAGE

These went hand in hand, I thought, because if you think about it, the second answers the first.  However, we will begin with the first point.

Firstly, there is an important question to ask yourselves in your marriage, “Am I fulfilled or frustrated?”   Go ahead, hide behind your computer screen, awkward glasses, or what-have-you.  Don’t look around the room at others…this question is for you to answer.  Oh, and yes, I said “yourselves,” which means you and your spouse must answer the question together!

If you say fulfilled, I say good for you, you are one of the few that can honestly say this.  I did say HONESTLY, it’s an important word here.

If you say frustrated, welcome to the club…and yes, my husband knows I am writing about this in a public space.  As he put it, “Lot’s of people go through this sort of thing.”  That being one of the points that was made in the sermon as well.  I hope that this blog post can help another couple in need.  Anyway, back to the grinding…I mean, the grind.  Just read on!

So…my husband and I both answered this question with the word fulfilled.
No, I’m joking, how boring would this part of the post be if that happened?!?
We answered with frustrated.

You are probably asking yourself, “Great, now that I’ve answered that deeply embarrassing question, what do I do now?”  Now, you have to talk to your partner about it!  Hey, where are you going?  Don’t shut your phone off, don’t run that way, come back!

Good, you’re back!  Now that  you’ve calmed down here’s the tricky part.  You and your spouse have to think of what makes you frustrated.  Ask yourself, “What makes me turned on and turned off by him/her?”

Is it a turn on when they do the laundry?  Play with the kids?  Sing to you?…
What is a turn off for you?  This question doesn’t necessarily mean stuff in the bedroom.  It means everyday things that lead up to being in the bedroom.  What behaviors does your spouse elicit that make them irresistible to you?

Work on the turn-offs to better your relationship.  These things can dampen the marriage and cause things to begin to fall apart.

Which brings us to the second point.  Experiences.  Experiences before marriage.  These experiences shape our view of what we think sex should be like after marriage.  These can shape it in a positive manner or a negative one.  If you answered that your sex life is frustrating then you had past experiences that affected your married sex life in a negative way.

God says to wait until marriage to have sex.  It is a gift he gave you and your spouse.   Sex before marriage causes unrealistic expectations.  These unrealistic expectations make it so that you feel frustrated that your partner isn’t performing to your previous partners’ level of experience.   Your spouse may feel ashamed or frustrated that they are not performing to your expectations.  See where this is going?

Pastor Jeff suggested that there are  4 types of pasts.  Which one of these types fits your past?

1.  The Sexually Curious Past–Did you experience pornography  earlier in life that created the idea that sex is going to be like these fantastical videos, pictures, and whatever that you have seen?  Did you think sex with your partner was going to be WAY different than it actually is and now you both are frustrated?  Pornography is just that, fantasy.  Science, the Bible, and Chris Rock all agree that pornography is destructive!  Normal couples don’t experience sex in that way.
2. The Sexually Naive Past–Did you get an education from your parents/media/school that gave you a basic working knowledge, but not enough information to completely understand it all?  Basically, the “I know what sex is, but I don’t really KNOW what sex is” person.  Are you the naive person that pretty much knows nothing one way or the other about sex?  So, you go into sex with no expectations and experiences and have no idea what is supposed to happen.  You may even be a bit frightened about the whole situation.
3. The Sexually Active Past-  You were sexually active before marriage for whatever reason.  It can create a “crowded bed” feeling with comparisons of past partners to your spouse, guilt, and other feelings.
4. The sexually Abused Past– Maybe you were abused in your past and now it’s extremely difficult and/or uncomfortable to talk to your spouse about sex or even have sex.  Thus causing sexual tension and frustration in the marriage.

These past experiences types are what got me thinking the most.

We really need to have talks with our children about sex!  Children are becoming active earlier than before.  By the time parents are working up the courage or think it’s an appropriate time to discuss it, it’s too late.  Their children have already had questions or experiences and have worked to find answers on their own or have experienced things in the media.

My son, who is 9, and I had a funny and uncomfortable dialogue.  I am putting on my awkward shades for this one y’all.

Him: Mommy does your vagina fly up?
Me:  Do what?  What do you mean?
Him: Well, sometimes my penis flies up when I’m thinking of this girl at school, or when I am nervous.
Me: Well, that’s natural.  Um… your Daddy can tell you more about that when he gets home.  Before then though, here’s a book that might help answer your questions.  Why don’t you go read it.

The following book is what I handed him.  It’s what I was given to help me understand what was going on when I was a kid.

Yep, that’s how I handled that one.  Caught me completely off guard too!  Was not prepared in the least!

Just in case you are in the same boat, these books were suggested by my pediatrician.

Anyway, I think that we as parents, myself included, need to have more open and honest discussions about sex with our children when they reach that questioning age.  We need to be able to give them the truth about sex and God’s expectations as well.    We need to be able to openly and honestly answer their questions, but give them the faith and understanding that goes with it.  Research shows that the number one reason teens abstain from sex is because of their parents’ disapproval.  They eventually need to be able to answer the following questions:

1. What are God’s expectations of me?
2. What does God expect from me when I am married?
3. What do my parents expect of me before marriage?
4. What are my parents’ boundaries for me?  (These will help your child abstain)
5. Do I understand what sex is and it’s purpose?
6. What falls into the category of sex?
7. How do I respond to temptation?  Peer pressure?
8. Is it OK to ask for help and guidance?  If so, where do I seek it?

STATISTICS:

• Boys who are exposed to sexually explicit material are 3 times more likely to become sexually active.
• Girls who are exposed to… are 2 times more likely…
• Those that are just exposed to sexually explicit lyrics in music are also more apt to try them, same goes with things they see in the media.
• 90% of men and 70% of women who have sexual addictions claim that pornography had a huge role in them becoming addicted to sex.

WHAT HAPPENS OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM AFFECTS WHAT HAPPENS INSIDE THE BEDROOM

AND

YOU CAN BOTH WANT SEX AND STILL NOT HAVE IT

Hmmm… this is a really good point!  Think about it.  If you don’t like someone at the moment are you going to want to have sex with them?  If one of the things you listed as your turn-offs happens are you going to be completely into that sex later on if you have it?  On the other hand, if your spouse did all those things you find a turn-on how will that sex be for you later?

Also, if you think about it, you can both want sex and not have it because of this frustration.  You can get more info on this point in the sermon.  Just follow the link I mentioned at the beginning to hear it.

TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK ABOUT SEX.   

AND

WE NEED HELP

Don’t be afraid to talk to each other about your concerns, thoughts, and past experiences!  These discussions can lead to a healthier sex life and in turn a healthier marriage.  Don’t just talk now after you read this article and leave it at that.  Continue talking.  The more your talk the better it gets.  Communication is key.

In this same sense, don’t forget to talk to your children about sex.  Communication is key here also!

Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help.  This includes books, friends, the pastor, counselors, and the like.

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT

If I have to spell this one out, something’s wrong! LOL

 

 

So, tally-ho tallywackers!  I mean, go forth and communicate!

 

USING FAITH AS A TOOL TO SURVIVE DEPRESSION

After 11 years of teaching, a little over a year ago I quit my job due to numerous reasons that had been building up over the last few years.  Some of the reasons, the main reasons actually, were depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and some serious stress.

Don’t get me wrong I LOVED my students and I loved the teaching.  Choosing to leave them was the hardest decision I’ve had to make in a long time, but the fact remains that if I had continued teaching I was well on my way to having a mental breakdown and ending up in the hospital.  No question about it.  I spent the better part of a year laying around the house and moping.  I wasn’t the best company to be around.  I wasn’t going to church either, this had been going on for a while because I haven’t only suffered from depression for a year.

Recently I began going to a different kind of church then I have been use to.  I decided I give this place I kept hearing about a try and see what I’ve been missing out on.  I was born and raised a Presbyterian in a Presbyterian church.  Typical hymns sung by a choir, sermons, and the same familiar church feel as most of the churches out there.  I switched over to Lifepoint Church.

The first sermon I heard there was called “Watch Your Mouth,” which is part of a Proverbs series called “Verbs”  It is a 4 part series:

1. Above All Else
2. Watch Your Moth
3. Choose Wisely
4. End The Sluggard

We were asked to read 1 verse from proverbs every day.  By the end of the month we would have read the entire book of proverbs.  Anyway…

These sermons hit some wall in my heart and began breaking it down.  It felt like every one of these sermons were written for and spoken directly to me because God wanted me to hear them.  Ever since I have been looking forward to going to church to hear the sermons preached. I’m not saying all of a sudden I’m curred, but it definitely helps to have and keep the faith. (Why is Bon Jovi playing in my head all of a sudden?)

Today I want to share with you the notes from these sermons that I took.  You can click on the link (verbs) that is listed above if you would like to listen to the sermons.

ENEMIES OF THE HEART:

• fear– take a step of faith instead
• offense– be unoffendable
• negativity– be positive instead
• busyness–take time to enjoy life

VERB-TALK:

• words hurt and are permanent
• build each other up
• build yourself up
• forgive others and yourself

Remember: God loves your right where you are!

CHOOSE WISELY:

• make better decisions
• we are better together than apart
• Who advises you? (best friend, parents, teacher, pastor…?)
• Who do you advise? (children, students, peers?)

There are 3 TYPES OF FRIENDS:

• Board of Directors– these are people who coach and advise others
• A Band of Brothers–these are your teammates or peers
• A Crew to Coach–these are the students, children, or others that need guidance

Your challenge today:      What do you want to do with what you have learned?

ME-
  “I want to speak more positively to my family.  I want to raise them up.  I want to be a better advisor to my children. I want to raise myself up and learn to speak positively about and to myself.”